The Emotional Affair – It’s A Sign, Use It To Your Advantage
Many people view extramarital affairs as sexual flings. Some of these “hook-ups” can occur for just one night, but some go on for years. What many people don’t know is that getting too personal to anyone outside of your marriage, even when sex is not involved, it is called an emotional affair. Emotional affairs commonly happens when one partner feels unappreciated, so they start pouring out their troubles to someone else as a “friend”.
(This someone else can be a person from work, a neighbor or even a mutual acquaintance!). If allowed to continue for too long, they will begin anticipate spending all of their spare time with this person, and by then they’re investing all of their emotional energy into how and when with this “other” person rather than using it to strengthen their marriage.
Discovering that your unfaithful wife could be having an sharing emotional love with someone else can be crushing. I frequently hear, I can handle her screwing around with someone else. I think it’s possible to live with that. However, for her to give her best love to someone else is difficult for me to swallow.
The first partner to make the emotional disconnect is usually the one to begin an emotional affair outside of the home. Even the strongest people need love and reassurance, and if they
aren’t getting what is important to them at home, they make themselves open to finding it somewhere else. Although many emotional affairs start out as simply friendship, they can
grow rapidly into something else. Paradoxically, many don’t even know that it has until it blows up in their face.
No matter what is going on at home, emotional affairs are still wrong. They can be even more acute and painful as a sexual affair because the person they love and care about offers up their intimate feelings and affections to someone else. The sense of betrayal is at least the same, and for some people much worse! The offending spouse may tell themselves they are not doing anything wrong because they are not having sex with this person. But if left going on long enough, most emotional affairs lead to sex anyway. How and when to move their affair to the next level becomes part of the ride so sex
is simply a matter of time.
So what can you particularly do to improve the odds of saving the marriage? Often the offended spouse reacts with strong feelings and then goes all out to win their love back. You apply pressure, Cajoles. Constantly makes promises. Constantly confronts her. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. mouths off to her family and friends. Chases her to by phone. Asks questions daily, sometimes even hourly. He becomes completely overbearing.
This tactic is doomed to fail.
Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the arousal and excitement she supposedly needs in her new-found love. At a greater level this is puzzling enough for the wandering husband or
cheating wife. Just about anything comments from you will simply be unwelcome and she is capable of closing the door on the marriage even further. Also, she is really looking for is someemotional stability, by being that solid centered core
that will hold her firm when the wind of drama or that external excitement entices and blows her around.
If you barrage her with your neediness, then you are for certain NOT helping your marriage in a key manner that’s needed during this time. She is also liable to drive a deeper wedge between you by comparing between you and him. With your overwhelming neediness, you have no chance of coming out ahead.
Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and improves the odds of saving the marriage. It’s called backing off! You need to learn how to disconnect. Stop agitating her. Keep a low profile. Be silent and nonchalant – most of the time. Stop making requests that could be viewed as breaching her personal space. Stop asking questions. Stop trying gain some kind of pledge from her. Stop being a overall pain in the ass!
Remember, this enamored state usually fades… You need to find the confidence that it will. You will need a boatload of patience. This outside affair can and with the right components, will, run its course. While in this zone, she really does need the space. She needs separate, quiet time to truly discover herself and confront the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, This will not last. Whether or not she ever shares it with you, she will always question whether or not this what she really wants? At some point I must live in the real world. Where am I going with this? Is this the direction that I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?
If she is mature enough, and not too far gone, this will be her opportunity to discover what TRUE love is. Don’t get in her way. I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path. It is at this point with the men I talk to, where I show them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.” Use that skill.
This will be tough. It most likely will demand that you learn more about yourself, that you gain more confidence in yourself, apart from what you may imagine she does with him, and that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather this storm.
This is your chance to grow to a new level. Oh, by the way. She will notice! And, she might find it appealing. Your disconnect does not mean that completely avoid with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain touch with her, but make it strictly QUALITY contact. Try to ensure that it will be the kind of contact that does reward to you, and that confronts her
with the reality of her decision. It could be very effective toward the resolution of your marriage.
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