Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps
So, how DO you save your marriage? asked the frustrated
voice on the other end of the call. Eric had been working to
save his marriage for some time. And it seemed that no matter
where he looked, all he saw was conflicting advice: fix your
communication, make her jealous, use reverse psychology,
and lots of other gems out there. But it left Eric no closer to
saving his marriage than when he started. Why is it so
hard?, wondered Eric. I had to agree. Since I created Save
The Marriage, see all the information out there. It is almost too
much. Pretty quickly, you get overwhelmed and feel like giving
But just for a moment, imagine that it is not a difficult process.
In fact, imagine for a moment that the process is actually quite
simple. Like many things, we tend to complicate things. Often,
unnecessarily. In fact, almost always unnecessarily.
In my Save The Marriage System, I spend a good bit of time
helping people to create a plan. Once they have a plan, I
suggest they use the 3 C’s to stay on-target.
The 3 C’s of Working Your Plan To Save Your Marriage
Staying calm is critical. Fear is the enemy of effective efforts. In
fact, when acting from a point of fear, the process is almost
doomed from the start. But moving from a calm place changes
But staying calm can be a challenge. So I suggest you carefully
follow a plan of self-care. Eat well, exercise, and find a trusted
person to share your pain. Resist responding from hurt, fear,
Equally important is to remain constant in your efforts. This
means that you are continuing your efforts on a regular basis.
In other words, reaching out to connect on a frequent (but not
too frequent) basis. Too frequent is a symptom of anxiety. It is
usually caused when someone is reaching out to connect out of
fear — desperate to hear back and get reassurance from a
spouse that is unwilling to respond or reassure.
Finally, as you are calmly and constantly reaching out to
connect, you want to make sure you are consistent.
Remember all of that conflicting advice? Here is where it is truly
dangerous. If you keep shifting your approach, you will only
end up confusing your spouse, all while trying to save your
marriage. Yep, in the effort to save your relationship, you
create more confusion.
How? By shifting from one approach to another. One moment,
you are working to connect. The next, you are working to make
your spouse jealous. Or one moment, you are sending one
way texts. Then you shift to attempting to get a response. Or
you write a marriage path letter, taking your share of the
responsibility, and then start blaming your spouse.
Those 3 C’s are about how you go about your plan — how to
carry out your plan to save your marriage.
But what, exactly, are you doing? Well, that is what is much
more simple than people make it out to be.
So here are the 3 steps.
3 Steps To Save Your Marriage3 C’s Of Saving Your Marriage
The simple truth is that marriages become stressed and
troubled by a lack of connection. We humans are designed for
connection. And when we do not get the connection we need,
we feel like we are starving for attention.
And the longer the disconnection goes on, the more a
relationship suffers. A feeling of distance becomes a feeling of
disdain. All from disconnection.
But the path back is simply rebuilding the connection. In fact,
the heart of reviving the relationship is just that: reconnection.
Problem is, you are likely out of practice, perhaps a bit angry,
and feeling hurt, yourself. None of that leaves you wanting to
reconnect. Yet this is the way out of the mess. Connection
revives the marriage. Continued disconnection starves and
strangles the marriage.
It is about this point in my conversations when people say
what about me? Why doesn’t my spouse have to reconnect
The answer I give is far more pragmatic than fair: You are the
one that is with me, and who is working on saving the
marriage. So for right now, focus on reconnecting. When you
reconnect, your spouse will eventually follow.
If you are working to save your marriage, at least for the time-
being, you have to set aside your own wishes and hopes for
connection coming your way. Focus on providing connection.
Practically speaking, someone has to take action. Take that on
as your task.
Just like Eric, on the other end of the line, you are somebody I
do not know. So whatever I say, please do not take it
personally. Instead, it is based on nearly 1/4 of a century of
helping couples. I know from experience what needs to
happen, even if I don’t know you.
So, step 2 in saving your marriage is change yourself. Grow
and develop into a higher caliber person. . . regardless of
where you are now.
Let’s be honest: we all have places where we can improve and
grow. We all have places where we are not maximizing our
potential, where we are not showing up.
Something happens to all of us when we settle down. We
stop growing and developing. And as we do this, we begin to
lose ground. Eventually, if someone is not careful, the
attractiveness that our spouse once saw, begins to wane. We
slowly move toward a state of stagnation.
It is at about this time that people start screaming, but why
should I have to keep trying to attract my spouse? Why can’t
my spouse just love me? Again, a good philosophical
question. But I am a practical man. Practically speaking, if you
are trying to save your marriage, you want to become more
and more attractive to your spouse — not less. Simple
Unfortunately, our philosophical side can kick and scream and
demand that it’s not fair. But then, for a moment, notice that
the philosophical side is really just that child’s voice crying out
about unfairness. And as my parents used to tell me, life’s not
So, back to the task. In the process to save your marriage, you
will want to change yourself. Grow. Develop. Become more of
what you know you need to become. In the end, you will be
more satisfied with life. And the more satisfied you are, the
better your chances of saving the marriage. You become, in the
process, more attractive to your spouse and to yourself.
Step 2 in saving your marriage is Change Yourself.
C-reate A New Path
Marriages fail because couples disconnected. Marriages fail
because individuals stop growing. And finally, marriages fail
because the individuals that make up the couple never knew
where they were headed.
So the final step is to create a new path. Imagine where your
marriage could head, and what your marriage could be. Don’t
just ponder it for a moment, but really consider it.
I deeply believe we do a great disservice to couples when they
marry. We spend lots of money, time, effort, and energy into
celebrating a short service — then we send the couple out into
the world, congratulating them and wishing them the best. . .
but without telling anyone of what they are trying to do.
At the point of marriage, two people are trying to form a team,
a unit — a WE, as I describe it. But if a couple does not know
this is the goal, how are they ever going to get there?
You and Me is the start of a relationship. But if a couple does
not understand, and does not get to WE, then they will
eventually drift into You versus Me. Destruction of the
relationship follows, for the simple reason that nobody knew
One of my central attempts in my material on how to save your
marriage is how to build the relationship and how to become a
WE. It is a roadmap to becoming a team
Save your marriage by following these 3 steps.
That’s it. That’s all you need to focus upon as you work to save
your marriage. Follow those 3 steps, and you can save your
marriage, even if you are the only one that wants to work on it!